Step 1: Find the game. The NHL has a tv deal with NBC right?
6:01: NBC has a Family Feud marathon going. Maybe it's on one of the ESPNs?
6:03: College Softball, Boxing, and College Softball
6:05. There it is! It's on VS. I wonder what all the Bass Fishing fans will watch tonight?
6:06: We're live from the HP Pavilion! I loved watching the olympic hockey from Vancouver, and I decided that I was going to get into the NHL and the Blackhawks would be my favorite team.
I never actually tuned into a game, but nodded approvingly when I saw they won the championship, so my NHL fanship got off to a roaring start last year.
The Blackhawks are out so I'll revert to a time tested (I just made it up) rule for picking a side in a hockey team: root for the team from Canada. Since every hockey game I ever enjoyed was played in Vancouver, rooting for the Canucks seems appropriate.
6:11 Still no action, but I know that the series is tied 2-2.
6:12: We're off! Puck goes to one side, back to the other, and back to where it started. If I knew a single hockey fan, I would be calling him to ask what is going on.
6:14: The announcers say there's a penalty, but the refs don't blow the whistles for like 20 seconds. What? Also, no mention of what the penalty was. Are those random in hockey? Now San Jose has an extra man playing.
6:15: looks like the sharks are 3/3 on power plays in this series, so I guess they're going to score here in the next minute. Don't they only score like 3 goals a game in hockey? what did did the Vancouver guy do that was this horrible to essentially give the other team 1/3 of their points?
It seems like the basketball equivalent of this is a player committing a foul and the other team getting to shoot an open 22 footer worth 33 points.
6:17: There it is! San Jose scores on the power play. Still no mention of what the Vancouver guy did. Must have been like Ron Artest and Kermit Washington combined.
6:21: Offsides called. I guess I'll have to look up what that is.
6:25: Looks like icing says, you can't move into your attack zone ahead of the puck. So you have to flip the puck ahead and then go chase it? On every single possession? I'm starting to understand why this sport is on the bass fishing channel.
6:27: My wife just came in and I told her I'm watching my first ever NHL game. She said, "I'm disappointed. You're supposed to hate hockey."
PS: another mystery powerplay for the Sharks. I guess it's going to be 2-0
6:29: There it is. 2-0. What did vancouver do!? My score converter now has the score at the basketball equivalent of 66-0. We're only half way through the 1st period!
6:33: This is pretty physical. We had a little scuffle, but no fight. One of the things that appeals to me about hockey is the fighting. Not because I love watching fighting necessarily, but because sometimes, guys need to fight.
In the Celts last playoff series, I had to watch Dwayne Wade cheap shot Paul Pierce to get him ejected from game 1, and then break Rajon Rondo's arm in game 2. Someone should have punched him in the face. There is no debating this. So whey can't they do it? You would cut down on punk behavior and crowds would love it. I think it's because white people play hockey and black people play basketball.
Cry about it if you want, but white people are civilized, rational people who can punch each other in the face for a minute until someone hits the deck. Then the fight is over and it's settled.
If they let the NBA guys do this, posses would get involved and there would be gunfights after half the games. You might not like reading this, but you know it's true.
Still, someone needs to punch Dwayne Wade in the face.
6:39: I told my wife I'm making a blog post about this. She's furious. What were her exact words, I believe she told me that I'm being false to myself? Why can't I try to broaden my horizons?
6:45: Another goal, San Jose! atrick Marlow. He must be good because I'm pretty sure I've heard of him and he just scored on a one on one breakaway. That was exciting.
Even more exciting is that it's 99-0 on my basketball score converter, which means I can walk away from this after the 1st period.
6:49: Some furious action in Vancouver's attack zone for the 1st time of the game. A few shots, but nothing going in. No one ever explained the penalties, or why San Jose deserves 2 goals essentially for free, but they have dominated this 1st period. The action hardly ever left the Shark's attack zone.
6:51: End of the 1st, and at 99-0, I think this one is pretty much wrapped up. I'd call it a pretty efficient sports learning experience. Less than one hour and I learned about offsides and icing, and I can use terms like, "Attack Zone" in a sentence.
Even though it's Friday night (worst TV night of the week) I just took a cruise around my directv channel list and there are two things on I'd rather watch than the rest of this hockey game (River Monsters and The Simpsons). But I think I liked hockey enough to put it in my click-around rotation next time I see a game on. And until the McCourt drama ends, I'd probably as soon watch Hockey as the Dodgers.
My experiences with hockey:
ReplyDelete1. In the mid nineties, when roller blading was ubiquitous, I played "Street Hockey." Not knowing how to roller blade or play hockey, I never had that much fun. Plus, it was aggravating playing against kids who didn't wear roller blades and who used push brooms instead of hockey sticks.
2. My brother would frequently use the expletive "Hockey Shockers." As in: "Hockey Shockers! Them's a Sasquatch!"
3. I attended a female hockey game in Germany because we knew the coach. The coach made me wear a ridiculous coat to stay warm. It was not memorable. However I did like this coach's strategy: He advertised that he would not conduct team practice. His work ethic attracted the top players in Germany and his team won the national league championship. A couple of his players ended up on the German National team in the Salt Lake City Olympics. This is the kind of Olympic story that really embraces the Olympic spirit.
4. I played intramural "Floor Hockey" in college. We had one Canadian on our team and the rest of us just ran as hard as we could and hit the ball as hard as we could. We lost the championship game to a team with at least two Canadians. Because I never wore shin guards (or put cardboard in my tube socks like a teammate), my shins were constantly bruised.
5. I watched 1/2 a college hockey game. A friend on the team pulled the jersey of another player's head and punched him in the stomach. It reminded me of a big brother picking on his little brother.
Conclusion: The NHL can't possibly offer me more than my experiences have already given me.
River Monsters was really good this Friday. Who knew that an Eel could have the capability of tearing a human to shreds?
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